WHAT IS PDA?

The British psychologist Elizabeth Newson came up with a term which describes PDA as an "anxiety-driven need to be in control and avoid other people’s demands and expectations".

Pretty much, yes.

I thought it might be interesting to look back and reflect on how PDA has affected our lives since J’s diagnosis back at the end of last year.

Lightbulb Moment

Like many people, we had the 'lightbulb' moment when we leant about PDA, which funnily enough was not through reading anything at all on the Internet! Crazy but true!

I was going through a bit of a rough time myself with depression and J’s behaviour, and the wife of my colleague at work recommended a counsellor. I booked an appointment, spent the whole allotted time talking about J and the troubles we were experiencing and right at the end she said, “Have you heard about PDA?”

I obviously hadn’t, but she said with everything I had told her, it certainly sounded like it! On returning home I spoke with my husband and that night we devoured everything we could on the subject and 'click' – lightbulb moment! It was as if we were reading specifically about J. We literally couldn’t believe it!

Just reading about other parents experiencing the same problems as us made us not feel so alone. We weren’t the only ones! Other parents were experiencing similar issues with their child/ren, and sometimes a whole lot worse too

Finding Our Feet

We loosely used strategies that we read about online with J before we got the official diagnosis, as we were just finding our feet with it all. Once we had the diagnosis, we really did try and implement everything we could to help her, and us, maintain some sort of life.

All of the traditional parenting techniques and books I had at home got thrown out of the window (not literally, although I was tempted!!!) and in came books like My Daughter is Not Naughty and The Explosive Child. Well worth a read if you haven't already.

It was all such a different way of parenting that we found it really hard to get our heads around. Still do to some extent, but knowledge is power and we are certainly gaining that along the way!

In came strategies like giving choices to start with (but not too many!), to give J some feeling that she was in control, even though the eventual outcome was what we actually wanted in the first place, if that makes sense?

I think it all started with brushing teeth. J struggled with this massively until we read somewhere about buying two different coloured brushes, and offering her the choice. This, I have to say, had an instant beneficial effect!! We even made it a bit of a game trying to guess which colour she was going to pick. It worked a treat, and did for a long time, until she deicided she wanted to try an electric toothbrush. We were a bit unsure to start with, but she absolutely loves it, especially the sensory sensation in her mouth. Bonus! We didn’t have to buy two, thankfully!! We just have the one and although brushing them in the mornings is sometimes a bit hit and miss, she is happy to brush them before bed.

Cleanliness

I think next came the problem with showering or taking a bath. There was always such a faff around this and sometimes you could actually feel her anxiety filling the room! So, we took it back to basics in the beginning and took away the demand completely. So, she didn’t wash for a bit, it was no biggie (well it was a bit, but we tried not to show it ). Eventually J took it upon herself to ask if she could have a quick shower. It was almost like it needed to come from her, in her own time. Although nowadays we do make the suggestion as to having a bath/shower throughout the week, there really is no pressure, and sometimes she has even been known to have a quick shower well after it should be bedtime! Timing is of no consequence sometimes.

Bedtime

Talking of bedtime, once again all demands have been stripped back. When I think back to the real problems we used to have around bedtime it actually makes me cringe. Unbeknown to us, pre-diagnosis, the huge amount of pressure we used to place on her to be in bed by a certain time was massive. And then we would wonder why she continually got up and trundled downstairs, creating havoc.

There is still a bedtime routine, of sorts, but it is by no means set in stone! It's extremely fluid to say the least. At the end of the day we can’t make her fall asleep. She is tired when she is tired.

Screens!!

Thinking about bedtime, we used to have massive limitations around screen time too. Not any more!

J is on the Xbox.... a lot. In fact more than a lot. But we get it now. We understand. It is her safe place. It is where she can self regulate, share her special interest (Minecraft), be creative, converse with friends by text or chat and basically it is just her passion. A huge passion. She lives and breathes it… and she is very good at it.

If someone started limiting my passion to being only able to access it for an hour or so a day, I would feel pretty annoyed. Yes, I know she is a child, yes I know some believe screen time is harmful, especially before bed, etc, and there will be people who totally disagree with what I am saying.

In fact, I used to be one of those people that when out for a meal with my husband, we would spot another family with a child focused intently on their tablet, and no talking seemed to take place at all, between any of them. We used to say, “we won’t let our daughter sit at the table to eat with her eyes glued to the tablet”, or “why are they not bothering to talk to their child?”. We seriously used to say that and it makes me cringe. More often than not these kids were quite possibly on the spectrum, and the only way they could cope with being out, with all the sensory processing going on, was to become fixated on their screens to block it all out. And why not?!

Clothes

So, onto clothes. I used to pick out J’s outfits, and she would wear them, but as time has gone on, she likes to select her own clothes, which is fine with me. She has some lovely ‘girly’ clothes in her wardrobe, but leggings and t-shirt seems to be what she feels most comfortable in. Back along when we had the extremely hot weather, she still wore leggings, even though she had shorts, but in her own words “I hate my legs”. Now, there is nothing wrong with her legs at all, except for the usual scrapes and bruises, but for some reason she just wants them covered all the time. I haven’t really pushed this, again it is her choice.

Hair

Due to sensory processing J struggles with her hair too and often won’t brush it for days. It probably gets washed once a week, if I am lucky. She hates having it up. Again in the hot weather I suggested putting it up, but she just says she doesn’t like it. She has beautiful hair, which thankfully even though not really looked after all that well, has stayed in pretty good condition. I would love to be able to do more with it for her, but I just have to accept that she doesn’t want to and I need to be ok with that, afterall she is her own person, and is growing up very quickly... too quickly!

Expectations

Before I finish this topic I really want to cover the expectation to say thank you, from a PDA perspective. Around Christmas time and birthdays and the tradition of giving and receiving presents, if the gifts were from anyone else bar us, she would either appear not to want to open them in front of the person, or would reluctantly open said gift, but struggle to know what to say, and either look away, slightly embarresed or would run off, pretending to do something else.

I remember a while back, again pre-understanding, of saying to J, “what do you say?” after a gift had been opened. Just imagine how much of a demand that was to her. I cringe now, but I used to say it a lot, along with making sure she always said her pleases and thank yous. Now I don’t say anything, it is all left to her, and people just have to understand. Sometimes she will message the person after to say thank you, and sometimes not. But I know deep down this is not a form of arrogance, it is a case of 'can’t' rather than 'won’t'. As soon as you get your head around that saying, everything becomes so much clearer.

Print the quote out and stick it on your fridge, it really is a great reminder!

Remember ...

One thing I always try and keep in mind, is that J is not doing anything 'out of spite'. With a diagnosis of PDA she will switch from passive to aggressive very quickly, but then again you probably already know that and experience the swiftness of change with your child too.

Flexibility

Novelty and variety can work extremely well if used alongside flexibility and adaptability. Role play can often disguise a demand, but if your child is anything like J, who is pretty switched on and savvy, they won’t fall for it and you will be trying to constantly change your approach to fit the current situation. Its bloody hard going! And as we all know, what works one day, will not necessarily work the next, and it can be extremely hard to keep up.

It comes down to the fact that your approach to your child and his/her needs really does need to be highly individualised, as undirect as possible and low key. Remember, your PDA child can pick up on your emotions very easily. Don’t let your face or your actions give anything away. Even your tone of voice can cause huge anxiety.

You have to be in for the long road. PDA is a lifelong condition, it is not something that will eventually go away and your child won’t grow out of it. But it can be helped if you do your research, find your tribe who are going through the same and just forget every traditional method of parenting you have ever come across.

I will end with this. In J’s case, PDA is not going to stop her doing anything that she sets her heart on. She is extremely motivated, creative, kind, funny and loving. With the right people around her throughout her life and the correct understanding, I am sure she will be just fine!

In fact I am more than sure, I am certain!!