MASKING

You could say that everyone makes small adjustments to fit in better or conform to social norms, but camouflaging/masking often calls for constant and elaborate effort.

You can imagine how draining this must be for your child, and how their anxiety levels can rise with the pressure they put themselves under to hold everything together.

The Lost Girls

The Internet seems to coin the phrase the 'lost girls' because girls can tend to be overlooked or diagnosed later in life. They might not understand what’s going on, but they are very good at "masking", hence problems may not show up until later in their school life, or even into adulthood. Thankfully in our case, we saw and acted early for J.

Although not so much nowadays, J was able to mask extremely well when she was younger. She would mask at parties/events, only to explode when home. It was like there was a set period of time where she could hold everything in, then when safe to, normally in the privacy of her safe haven (home) all hell would break loose!

I remember a good few years back now when my husband took her to his parents afternoon tea party to celebrate their wedding anniversary. On talking to his mum on the phone later that same evening his mum remarked to him that J seemed "too well behaved" for a child of her age! Masking in its highest degree!!

So what is the motivation behind masking? I guess it's the desire to fit in and create connections with others. Masking can help form friendships and maintain socialbility, but as with everything, it comes at a cost.

The compensation strategies are exhausting and require a lot of effort on the part of the child, often leading to a sensory overload, increased anxiety or the inevitable meltdown/shutdown.

Copying Behaviour

At school some children may use pre-prepared phrases or lines they have learnt whilst copying other social behaviour and imitating facial expressions or gestures as a form of masking. There does seem to be an art form to it in some ways.

An Obligation

I think masking did feel like an obligation to J in the past... it was by no means a choice for her. She was motivated to mask by a sense of alienation, she was at odds with a whole mis-match going on between her natural way of being and the demands her environment and/or peers placed on her.

Friendships

J desperately wanted to make friends when she was at her previous schools, but unfortunately it was not overly successful.

Friendships were incredibly intense (understatement!), usually with just one other girl, and were often changed daily as to who suited her need on that particular day. There was no malice in this at all, but there were an awful lot of falling outs, often with negative consequences.

J did not really have the same interests as her peers and just didn't think (or act) the same. I think deep down she knew she was different, and often felt isolated.

The Reasons

As J's diagnosis came about at the end of her mainstream school life, the other children did not really know the reasons why she behaved as she did, and if I am honest, I think some were a bit scared of her. Sad but true!

Interesting thing to note though is that her volatility was always aimed at adults (teachers) and never, ever at the other children. I guess she just saw the teachers as a threat? After all, in her eyes, they were the ones trying to 'control' her and make her feel unsafe and unhappy.

School & Home

It seems to be quite common for girls to hold in and control their emotions better at school than they do at home. This was never the case for us. We had it at both ends, which really was a blessing in disguise.

However, for parents to be told by teachers that their child is 'fine and doing well' at school, only for the explosions to occur once at home must be extremely difficult to cope with. If teachers never get the chance to see the 'real' child, how can they be in a position to judge? And if they then make parents feel like they are doing a crap job, well, this couldn't be further from the truth! This is especially relevant as we have been told that referrals for EHCPs now have to be instigated by the school themselves in our LEA area!

Specialist Provision

To end, as J begins her new school we just hope she will feel able to be herself and won't have the need to mask to fit in and so can just relax and enjoy school again!