One thing we have noticed with J is that the more people she is with, ie friends playing outside or whatever, the more in control she needs to feel.At the root of J's anxiety is the demand, a need for things to be perfect (in accordance to her way of thinking) and a fear of uncertainty. Given the fact that her brain perceives there to be a threat of danger when she’s not in control, her behaviour is easy to understand, as it makes her feel safe and secure.Unpredictable
I think J's friends often struggle with her unpredictable behaviour at times. Watching your child at play when they don't realise can be so interesting(!) and I have really learnt a lot by this. Often J will just run in the house, and I hear the children asking her where she is going. Sometimes she says she's getting something to eat or drink, or needs the loo, when in fact she rushes in to do some sensory or use her gorilla gym to swing on for a few minutes. This is her 'go to' self regulation and its great she is slowly recognising the times when she needs to do this. This is big progress! I do hope there comes a time though when she feels comfortable enough to say what she is doing/how she is feeling and not feel the need to make an excuse and hide the fact she desperately needs some time out. Monitoring Play
Depending on J's mood we need to be realistic about who/where/when is best for her social interactions and how many people she is likely to be in contact with. For us this varies daily, so not always easy to judge. How long she plays for needs to be considered too along with how much downtime she is likely to need after. I'm not talking about screen time here, its more about playtime outside.We are always around during playtime, (obviously not stuck by her side), but if she comes over to us, we need to be able to recognise any rise in anxiety, especially as she is not always able to verbalise her emotions, and then we need to offer some choices so she can regain a sense of calm. But as I said, she is slowly beginning to recognise the signs herself, which is great!One thing is sure, when J is behaving in that all too familiar controlling way, we as her parents need to remember she is extremely anxious at that particular moment in time and possibly even feels unsafe or scared - as silly as that may seem to us. She needs understanding and we need to adjust any expectations...Who said parenting was easy?!
One thing we have noticed with J is that the more people she is with, ie friends playing outside or whatever, the more in control she needs to feel.
At the root of J's anxiety is the demand, a need for things to be perfect (in accordance to her way of thinking) and a fear of uncertainty. Given the fact that her brain perceives there to be a threat of danger when she’s not in control, her behaviour is easy to understand, as it makes her feel safe and secure.
Unpredictable
I think J's friends often struggle with her unpredictable behaviour at times. Watching your child at play when they don't realise can be so interesting(!) and I have really learnt a lot by this.
Often J will just run in the house, and I hear the children asking her where she is going. Sometimes she says she's getting something to eat or drink, or needs the loo, when in fact she rushes in to do some sensory or use her gorilla gym to swing on for a few minutes. This is her 'go to' self regulation and its great she is slowly recognising the times when she needs to do this. This is big progress!
I do hope there comes a time though when she feels comfortable enough to say what she is doing/how she is feeling and not feel the need to make an excuse and hide the fact she desperately needs some time out.
Monitoring Play
Depending on J's mood we need to be realistic about who/where/when is best for her social interactions and how many people she is likely to be in contact with. For us this varies daily, so not always easy to judge. How long she plays for needs to be considered too along with how much downtime she is likely to need after. I'm not talking about screen time here, its more about playtime outside.
We are always around during playtime, (obviously not stuck by her side), but if she comes over to us, we need to be able to recognise any rise in anxiety, especially as she is not always able to verbalise her emotions, and then we need to offer some choices so she can regain a sense of calm. But as I said, she is slowly beginning to recognise the signs herself, which is great!
One thing is sure, when J is behaving in that all too familiar controlling way, we as her parents need to remember she is extremely anxious at that particular moment in time and possibly even feels unsafe or scared - as silly as that may seem to us. She needs understanding and we need to adjust any expectations...
Who said parenting was easy?!
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