I'm sure most (if not all) parents experience their children not wanting to leave somewhere from time to time. I know for us it used to feel like a complete battle of wills at times. But for children with PDA leaving somewhere can induce feelings of acute anxiety and even fear. Just the fact they are being asked to leave somewhere is a demand in itself, one in which they want to avoid at all costs.
Too Much Fun
I remember many a time on trying to get J to come out of an indoor play area or somewhere similar, she just ran off in the opposite direction, or had a complete meltdown there and then and refused to even put her shoes back on.
When J was much younger we naturally assumed she was just having so much fun, she didn't want to leave... and this could well have been the case back then?
However, as she grew older and the expectation from us that she should be able to leave without an issue increased, so did her demand avoidance.
Being Watched
I know I used to feel that our parenting was under scrutiny at times like these, and I'm sure some of you have felt the same? And this is where parenting the PDA way TOTALLY differs from any other form of traditional parenting methods you may have previously read about. Seriously throw away those parenting books/manuals, erase everything you have ever read about tradition from your mind. Its not going to help you one little bit!
No matter how difficult or unconventional it seems at the time, just remember you know what is best for your child. Your PDA child cannot help their need for control. They really can't. Their brain is hard wired to respond this way no matter how irrational it may seem to others.
Overload
Often difficult transitions can lead to anxiety overload extremely quickly and without warning. As a parent of a child with PDA you have to be able to think on your feet and be flexible (a word I always use).
Distractions don't always work for us now that J is older. Sometimes humour will work, or offering her something she really, really really(!) wants to do/eat/have can work. However, if these solutions fail, then we have to understand that her anxiety and demand avoidance is literally sky high and for the time being, there is no return from it.
When To Reason
We try and make it a rule never to reason with her when she is engrossed on the X-box. We have made this mistake before and never wish to repeat it... long story!
By trying to gain J's attention when she is gaming proves too much information for her to process, on top of the anxiety she may already be experiencing online.
Although to us it may seem she is happily playing her game and ignoring all outside stimuli, we can often tell how anxious she is by how she grips the controller or how her tone of voice can swiftly change when talking to friends online. Its very subtle at times, but we notice it now.
My advice? Take a minute or two to watch and observe your child. It can be difficult to spot the often minimal signs of raised anxiety to the untrained PDA radar eye.
Eventually, when J feels ready, she will engage with us again, this is a sign she is feeling less anxious. It can be a fine line though, and this isn't always the time to then have discussions you have been holding off having. You just have to play it by ear.... no one said it was going to be easy, right?
The Countdown
Sometimes a countdown can work wonders, but again, this can also be perceived as a demand. Alexa can often help in this case, as it is someone else giving the time (demand) and not you!
In our case, the first time limit set is never adhered to with J, even if set by Alexa.
Without fail, J will set a second time limit. But as with everything else we now do as parents, we go with the flow ... what's an extra few minutes anyway??
The experience of leaving a birthday party or soft play centre or anywhere where E was having fun would cause her to run in the opposite direction or have a huge temper tantrum, leaving us bewildered and subject to other parents disapproving looks. So unhelpful. But the trick I found was to take her to soft play towards the end of the day, so the voice would come over saying "Soft play is closing in 5 minutes. Can you please gather your belongings and make your way over to the exit?" This worked like a charm every time. Because everybody had to leave as the centre was closing. Of course a 12 o'clock birthday party wouldn't work. E wanted to stay until the bitter end - the answer for me was earplugs and money for refreshments, and to find a cosy and comfy corner to sit in with a good book.
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